Thursday, February 12, 2009

Nap Defense 101: The Nap Feint or Nap Fake-Out

*Editor's Note: I take no responsibility for the content of this post, nor do I condone the use of information included herein. Read at your own risk.

The Nap Feint or The Nap Fake-Out is first step to basic Nap Defense. Kids and babies still forced to undergo this tortuous process known as "The Nap" would be well-advised to start taking notes. The Nap Fake-Out, while still in its evolution stage, continues to be my strongest strategy for avoiding The Nap.

Step 1: Before Naptime, follow your normal procedures. Eat, play, eat more, poop. Whatever you do, don't let anyone onto your plan. Just business as usual.

Step 2: Around Naptime, when the parental units beginning to institute Nap Enforcement, make sure you start at a location other than your crib. This is critical. Pretend to close your eyes, just as you would during any other normal day. Should you happen to be in the car, feel free to let your head loll to one side or the other. Drooling is encouraged. When the Parental Units have been fooled into thinking that you are in fact asleep, they will then move you to your normal NapTime Location. Just before they have the satisfaction and relief of placing you in said NapTime Location, begin screaming as you open your eyes and arch your back upwards while flailing your arms and legs in whatever direction available.

Step 3: Continue screaming. This is the most arduous part of the entire process. But keep faith, my brothers and sisters, and remain strong, because if you keep at it, your Parental Units should surrender in just over an hour and freedom shall be yours!

At time of publication, this happens to be my second week of full implementation and my own Mother Unit looks somewhat like a zombie from a B-movie. Any given whine or cry from yours truly sends her into a frenzy that any baby would be proud of. She is currently at my beck and call, and will continue to be until I deem otherwise, as long as Operation Nap Avoidance is in place. While the Father Unit is not as exposed to the procedure, it seems that the state of the Mother Unit has a strong impact on the state of the Father Unit as well. It keeps their nerves frayed and their minds easily influenceable.

I say to you again, my brothers and sisters under the yoke of The Nap, take back your lives! Keep the faith! Freedom can be ours!

--Cutezilla

2 comments:

The Stein Family said...

I'd laugh -- but seeing as how I still have to convice one more child to be a good sleeper...I'll just stay quiet :)

Megan said...

Hilarious! I love it. :)

On the positive side, you have a very gifted child.